In the last couple of year, even before Covid, I was really stressed. The situation hadn't improved until I resigned, at the end of May. During this time I didn't realize how I was raising my kids, what mistakes I was making, etc. Finally, after resigning 😌, I started reading upon parenting, and it put a lot of things into context.

I realized that I went really off-track. I wanted calm, happy, independent kids, just as I wanted from my teams. Unfortunately, I ended up with something different. Just like with my teams.

My daughter is always asking for instructions. I have to put a lot of effort into encouraging her to try it first and then come to me for instructions.

I saw the same behaviour with people I managed. Some of them is always looking for instructions. E.g. Ops playbook. They wrote a playbook that literarily contained steps "try to restart" - and that's it. I don't know... this doesn't make any sense to me. This is not a playbook, this is actually a single instruction that you should do anyway. Ops is not about not. But I see that there are people, that believe, they incapable of thinking and they need a guide. Were they raised as I had been raising my daughter? Were they not given enough space to think and experiment, enough encouragement to fail, enough trust and help to be able to recover?

My son on the other hand doesn't accept any instructions. He is super stubborn. I think the same parenting inefficiencies triggered different behaviour in him. As I was telling them too much, he reacted differently and he started refusing any help.

Needless to say that I could see the same behaviour in my teams as well. It has happened countless times that regardless what I explained, they delivered something completely different. Even when I wrote it down, asked back, gave them space to question, etc.

I have to add here more examples

Conclusion

Parenting and managing are not that different. I hear all the time that kids are not small adults. I agree with that fully. But I must say they many adults are just big kids. Indeed, they are less emotional, but they are - mostly - less rational. They can phrase certain problems better, but they are less direct. TODO etc.

Radically Candid Parenting

There are four types of parenting according to D. Baumrind and E.E. Maccoby^{citation_needed}:

1. Authoritarian
2. Authoritative
3. Permissive
4. Neglecting

Quickly putting those into a graph:

Let's check how it compares to Radical Candor

First, let's unify the axis: In parenting styles, the x-axis is about 'Responsiveness'. In parenting, the problem is approached from how responsive the parent to the kid. When a parent is very responsive, that parent is actually caring to the kid. Radical Candor is pushing this a bit further. It calls x-axis 'Care Personally'. In Radical Candor, it is not only about Responsiveness, but also about communicating with caring of the person. In reality, when I'm reading parenting books, it's also about 'Caring', not just 'Responsiveness'.

When it comes to the y-axis, in parenting styles, it describes how demanding we are. With other words, how clearly we set expectations. In Radical Candor it's called 'Challenging Directly'. This is also about expressing our expectations directly, but also challenging the person and making sure that he/she is doing what yields the best result. Yet again, I think, Radical Candor is providing a better name for that axis.

Now let's match the quadrants:

• Authoritative / Radical Candor - the quadrant we want to be in. Where the person (or child) can grow. Where the expectations are clear and high. Where there are enough care provided. Where the person (or child) knows that can count on you.
• Authoritarian / Obnoxious Aggression - what a beautiful name from Radical Candor. And yet, that name is so expressive. The Authoritarian person tells the kids what to do, the Authoritarian person tells the kids what are the expectations, the Authoritarian person tells what was wrong very clearly. But that person doesn't care about the receiver. Doesn't care how the receiver can deal with the situation. Doesn't provide support.
• Permissive / Ruinous Empathy - A Permissive person doesn't have expectation, doesn't provide direction. At least, a Permissive Person cares about the subject (the child). In both Parenting and Radical Candor case, this happens when the person wants to build friendship with the subject (the kid), doesn't want to be Authoritarian. But as in Radical Candor says, even in parenting, it is ruinous. The subject (the child) doesn't have a clear direction, doesn't have clear expectations on his/her behaviour.
• Neglecting / Manipulative Insincerity - this is where parenting and Radical Candor differs most. I think Radical Candor doesn't focus really on the relationship but the person's motivations. TODO work out better.

%%{init: {"themeVariables": {"quadrant1TextFill": "#999966"} }}%%
quadrantChart
  y-axis Neglect --> "❤ Care"
  x-axis "Damaging Freedom" --> "🗺️ Clear direction"
  quadrant-1 Radical Candor / Authoritative
  quadrant-2 Ruinous Empathy / Permissive
  quadrant-3 Obnoxious Aggression / Authoritarian
  quadrant-4 Manipulative Insincerity / Neglecting

Situational parenting

🤔 Can we apply situational leadership on parenting?

I have been observing my kids lately, and I realized, that not only Radical Candor applies, but Situational Leadership model. There are things that they can't do yet and we, as parents, need to provide a lot of direction how to do it. Whilst other things, they can do themselves, and they get annoyed if I dare to intervene. E.g. my 6 years old son can get make a coffee with the coffee machine, he can prepare his hot chocolate, etc. I shouldn't intervene at all. But with more complex cooking it's not the case yet. When we do Omelette, he can help prepare the eggs, put the ingredients into the pan, etc. but he can't do it himself yet. Or when we do Muffins, he is following my very specific instructions when it comes to preparing the ingredients. He is just learning how to use the kitchen scales. Even though he is a master of our kitchen machine, he still needs detailed instructions to follow the recipe and the order the ingredients need to be put into the bowl.

I think the above are the obvious examples. There are other cases, when it's not so clear, what they can and should do. Sometimes, as in my teams, they don't want to do it, therefore they pretend that they can't do it.

The clear case when they pretend that they can't do it, when it comes to carry shopping bags, help make the table or any other household activity. 😆

The question, how to convince them to do, and to enjoy doing that they can and should. How can we achieve that, during their journey they don't give up at some point, especially when they have already reached master. To bring the value back to the family (team) and not just let others doing it.

I think, it can be achieved the same way as I did it many times with my teams. Using Team dynamics. Standing up for each other, respecting each other, doing things for each other, etc. I would be lying if I said that I have the same success as I have had with my teams.